Straight Scoop, Vol.1, No. 10

Straight Scoop, Vol.1, No. 10

Written by Michael Askounes on 11/18/2002 for
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Oooh… my head! It’s been a full week now since I returned from San Francisco where I attended an EA-sponsored press junket for the game Command & Conquer: Generals, and I still haven’t totally recovered. There was free booze at the dinner on Wednesday. There was free booze in the limo on Wednesday night. There was free booze at the LAN Party on Thursday. There was free booze at the dinner on Thursday. And your man Mike is not one to say “no” to free booze…

On to The Straight Scoop… remember that this is an editorial take on the news, so the author (that’s me!) will definitely make his opinions known and will try to put more of a gamer’s perspective on the news as opposed to the usual PR Department-driven copy that you usually find on the ‘Net and in print. We hope you enjoy the Scoop, and welcome your feedback as well as your financial contributions. Not necessarily in that order…

As always, if I decide a story is not interesting enough I completely reserve the right to make stuff up.... If you’ve got any “dirt” you want to share with me, or just want to give me a hard time, contact me at

Lay down all thoughts… surrender to the void…
Monday, November 11, 2002

Eidos Interactive failed to “grow a set” this week, and gave in to the ridiculous complaints from an organization known as “The Sikh Coalition” about Eidos’ portrayal of Sikhs in their hit game Hitman 2. The coalition claimed that by portraying Sikhs in a violent manner, Eidos showed that they “lacked an understanding of the political persecution Sikhs have lived through.” Eidos is acquiescing to the group by taking the offending material out of the upcoming Gamecube version of Hitman 2.

In a related story that I just made up, a group called “The Hitman Coalition” has complained that Eidos has shown to lack an understanding of “the persecution of contract killers throughout history.” In response, the people at Eidos pulling all characterizations of hitmen from the ‘Cube version of Hitman 2, and will be replacing the game discs with versions of the original Super Mario Bros. game. No word from “The Italian Plumbers Coalition” as of yet…

Ubisoft has announced that the X-Box and PC versions of Dragon’s Lair 3D have gone gold, and should be making their way to retailers nationwide by the end of the week. The game is an update of the classic coin-op quarter-sucker Dragon’s Lair, in which Dirk the Daring made his way through a series of pre-filmed animation scenes in a quest to save a damsel in distress.

I’ve also heard (on the secret frequencies that the government keeps broadcasting into my brain) that Ubisoft will be attempting to capture a piece of the “mature gamers” market with an upcoming title called Dragon’s Lair XXX, which is rumored to be starring Jenna Jameson as the princess, and Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy as Dirk…

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

LucasArts has announced the completion of its upcoming PS2 title Star Wars: Bounty Hunter, which puts gamers in the boots of galaxy-renowned bounty hunter Jango Fett in a quest to battle through 18 levels of poor dialogue, bad acting, and annoying computer-generated characters…

Simon and Schuster Interactive – easily one of the most influential gaming companies in the history of Western civilization – has finally answered the cries of millions of Gamecube-owning Skittles lovers worldwide with a port of its PC adventure title, Darkened Skye. In the game, you play the part of a heroine who must put back together a magic rainbow with – I swear I’m not making this up – magic Skittles that fall from the sky. Surprisingly, this game actually garnered some decent reviews during its PC run…

There is absolutely no truth to a rumor saying that Philip Morris is creating a computer game designed to tie in with its line of Marlboro cigarettes. This game, were it up to me, would be called Darkened Lung, and would feature a animated talking iron lung on a quest to teach children the evils of smoking.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

Ubisoft today announced the imminent release of its title Tomb Raider: The Prophecy for the Game Boy Advance. The game stars the ubiquitous Lara Croft, as she runs, guns and jumps her way through several levels designed specifically for the handheld platform. At least that’s what I think the game’s about… I didn’t actually read the press release. What I do know is that Nintendo has fervently denied the rumors that a hardware add-on known as a “Super Happy Bosom Pak” would be required to play the game.

Intel today released its next weapon in its never-ending quest for world domination – a Pentium 4 processor with a clock speed of 3Ghz! The chip includes something called Hyper Threading, which is a technology that probably means that your computer can now run Solitaire at 1,000,000 frames per second. Intel officials claimed that, “While we are very proud of our new processors, we still feel we have fallen short of our goal to create a CPU that can run Ultima IX: Ascension at a smooth frame rate.”
Thursday, November 14, 2002

A 19-year old Wisconsin youth has told authorities that the video game Grand Theft Auto III inspired him to go on a wild auto theft spree that involved over 100 vehicles(!). According to my sources, the suspect’s only regret is that he didn’t make it to 125, which is where he would’ve been able to unlock bonus cars to steal…

In unrelated news, my divorce lawyer told me that “I was inspired by Leisure Suit Larry 5” was not an acceptable defense for adultery. Oh well, back to the drawing board…

Good news from the boys and girls at Activision… It looks like the publisher has commissioned From Software to create a sequel to the excellent (and only) Gamecube RPG Lost Kingdoms, a title that put a little collectible card gaming into a standard console RPG format with excellent results. Scheduled for a 1Q2003 release, Lost Kingdoms II will feature updated graphics and over 100 new cards with which to battle with. Should be a great title; keep your dial tuned here for more news as it becomes available.

What… you were expected another joke? Who am I, Henny Youngman?

Friday, November 15, 2002

Run to your local software stores!! Wake the kids! Phone the neighbors!!! Agetec has announced the release of Fisherman’s Bass Club for the PS2!!! Oh, God… can it be true?!?!?! At last – all my dreams realized…

Microsoft has today released the X-Box Live Kit, which for the low low price of $50 will allow X-Box gamers to enjoy multiplayer titles over a broadband-only proprietary network. The manufacturer claims that over 50 X-Box live compatible games should be on store shelves by the end of 2003. Microsoft is taking a big chance in making the choice to support broad-band only, but it could be a choice that pays off huge somewhere down the line.

And to wrap up this edition of The Straight Scoop, here’s a “wacky” story hot off the wires:

It would seem that a customer in an international hamburger chain outlet in western Sweden lost his appetite when he discovered the restaurant's toilet seats were being washed in its dishwasher alongside the kitchen utensils. An employee (who in my opinion should be given the “Employee-of-the-Month” award) tried to reassure the customer by saying that the freshly washed toilet seat would be warm and pleasant to sit on. Well, at least their washing their toilets!

That’s all for this week’s edition of The Straight Scoop, and I do hope you’ll join us again next Monday for another dose of news and commentary.

Remember… keep your feet on the ground, and keep reachin’ for the stars!

* The product in this article was sent to us by the developer/company.

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