A Day in the Life: Beat-Em-Up Brawler


posted 3/17/2009 by Cyril Lachel
other articles by Cyril Lachel
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3:05 P.M. - Okay, this is really starting to piss me off. All this drama could have been avoided hours ago if we just took my car, we could have drove right to the Uptown District and taken on Mad Gear on their home turf. Yet here we are hours later and we're not even close, and dammit I still need to find where they stuck the Mayor. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Oh, and worst of all, I'm missing Dr. Phil. I hate missing Dr. Phil. I get stabby when I miss my daily Phil pill! Now where is this guy ...

3:10 P.M. - Oh, here he is. He's in a cold basement tied up with a stick of lit TNT right next to him. TNT? Who the hell blows up their own house? Isn't that going to destroy the foundation and, I don't know, alert the cops? And ew, that's also really freakin' gross. I mean, who is going to come down here and clean up all of the bits and pieces of the Mayor. Seriously, who does something like that? While asking myself that I realize that I don't have much time, so I throw my trusty knife at the TNT and defuse the situation ... literally.

3:30 P.M. - After saving the Mayor's life he agrees that we should do things my way, so we've decided to take a taxi to the Uptown District, which just so happens to be where Belger and his Mad Gear gang is keeping my stripper girlfriend captive. We cannot let evil like that live in this city, we need to stamp it out and make sure it never comes back again. Speaking of evil, how on earth can this cab driver expect us to pay $30 to go five miles? That's highway robbery I tell you, highway robbery!

3:45 P.M. - So here we are, standing in front of the Mad Gear offices. You would think that the police could do something about this gang, it's not like they hide in the darkness or anything. I mean, we must have run into five or six hundred Mad Gear groupies just walking over here, so why can't the cops do something about this? I pose this question to the Mayor who just looks at me like I'm speaking another language. I start to quiz him on other political topics, like property taxes, illegal immigration and homeland security. He hadn't heard of any of that. I ask him what he does all day as Mayor, he doesn't answer me.

4:00 P.M. - So we had a choice, we could take the stairs or the elevator. I suggested the stairs, but the Mayor said it would be "safer" to take the elevator. Boy was he wrong, there are these guys jumping down on top of us, it's really a violent scene we're witnessing here. Worse yet, there's this guy who shows up from time to time and throws grenades at us. Seriously, who throws grenades in an elevator? Why not just explode some TNT in your basement while you're at it ... oh, that's right THEY ALREADY DID THAT!! If you're not smarter than a fifth grader you shouldn't be one of the wealthiest people in the city, I suggest to the Mayor that he makes that a law and he just looks at me blankly.

4:20 P.M. - After surviving the longest elevator ride of all time the Mayor and I exit into what appears to be the top floor of this enormous skyscraper. The two of us have come all this way and we're ready to rumble. I mean, we're like Patrick Swayze in Road House, only a little more beat up and without any witty one-liners. Heck, the Mayor has barely said a thing to me since I saved him from becoming a million little pieces. We know what we have to do, we're going to rush into the room and kick the snot out of this Belger fellow. This guy is going down.

4:21 P.M. - We bust through the door and discover, much to our surprise, that this Belger fellow is actually a wheelchair-bound millionaire who is more than a little surprised to see us. He sits there smoking his cigar while we walk over to his large table, but he doesn't know anything about my stripper girlfriend's whereabouts. I don't believe him, so I take a swing at the poor bastard. There's not much that he can do, so he sits there and lets me hit him. After he takes a few moments to assess the damage I caused to his face, he buzzes in back up. We're ready for it to be another Andre the Giant-like dude, but instead it's ... my stripper girlfriend??

4:24 P.M. - My stripper girlfriend takes me over to the side and asks me what I'm doing there. She's livid, yelling and screaming at me for beating up so many people on my way to rescue her. She tells me that she wasn't captured by Mad Gear or anything like that, but instead has been working as a health care professional that waits on Mr. Belger. She tells me that this rich old guy's health is starting to go and that he had to bring on more help, so she answered the help wanted ad in the local paper. She says that she wanted to tell me, but she wanted it to be a big surprise. I'm flabbergasted, for the first time today I don't know what to say. So I just stand there and watch the Mayor throw Belger out the window. We all look down as Belger completes his final business transaction, merging with 1st Street.

4:26 P.M. - My stripper/health care worker girlfriend explains to her dad what was going on, despite throwing an innocent man out the window the best he can muster is a shocked, "OH!" I lean over and remind him that at least he got to beat up a car. We all laugh and decide to head back home. It's been a long day ... and I have a Dr. Phil episode recorded on my DVR. Life is going to be good.

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