A Day in the Life: Beat-Em-Up Brawler


posted 3/17/2009 by Cyril Lachel
other articles by Cyril Lachel
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12:05 P.M. - The Mayor informs me that fighting five dozen gang members has taken a lot out of him and that he's hungry, instead of hitting up the local KFC or Taco Time, the Mayor decides to kick over a garbage can and eat a full Thanksgiving dinner. It was the strangest thing, apparently somebody had cooked a full-sized turkey just moments earlier, but for whatever reason they decided to dump it in the garbage can. I'm not sure how the Mayor knew it was there, but hats off to the guy for thinking of that. This is the first relaxing moment I've had all day, it's nice to just be able to sit around and take a breather from time to time.

12:45 P. M. - We've only been at this for a little over an hour and I'm starting to get tired, I try my hardest to convince the Mayor to take a car or a subway or something ... anything, just so I can sit down and take a breather. He wants to keep going, even if that means taking longer. His plan, from what I can gather, is to beat up the entire city and send a message. At this point I'm not even sure he knows what the message is, but I reckon it's something along the lines of: "You take my daughter and I'm going to beat up everybody in the city." He's not exactly a deep thinker, if you catch my drift. We've decided to enter this ugly rundown building in the slums and see if anybody has seen my stripper girlfriend.

1:00 P.M. - Nobody has seen my stripper girlfriend, but that hasn't stopped us from stepping into a whole heap of trouble. Apparently what we thought was a rundown building is actually a cover for some sort of fight club. I would tell you more, but rule number one is ... oh never mind. The whole thing is run by this guy named Sodom. Well, that's what the Mayor keeps calling him, yet his nametag reads: Katana. Have things gotten so bad in Metro City that even the thugs are starting to censor their names?

1:24 P.M. - Just my luck! So I FINALLY am able to convince Mr. Won't Take Public Transportation to take the subway and what happens? We get into a raucous street fight ... ON THE FLIPPING SUBWAY! How the hell does that even happen? Worse yet, the subway crashes half way between stations. We end up footing it the rest of the way, which is only made worse by the fact that we are still fighting these blasted gang members. C'mon, we're in the middle of a subway tunnel, why would any gang members want to fight us down here. The Mayor mentions that he's hungry, but I opt against raiding another trash can for lunch.

1:45 P.M. - We finally make it to the end of the line and head back up out of the subway. Yet more fighting ensues.

2:05 P.M. - While getting a quick bite to eat at the 7/11 on First and Washington, the Mayor noticed an unattended blue car. He moseyed over the car and decided that the correct course of action was to beat it up. I'm not kidding. There in front of me was the Mayor of Metro City using his fists to flatten this small blue Japanese made car. And again I wonder how this guy was ever elected. When he was done bashing the car up he walked away with a satisfied look, unfortunately the guy who owned it was a few seconds too late. We left the 7/11 with the sounds of that poor young man and his destroyed car. I worry that the sound of him crying and yelling will never leave my head. The Mayor really needs to come to grips and take a few anger management classes.

2:15 P.M. - I try to talk to the Mayor about what just happened back there. I tell him that I can't get the thoughts of that guy out of my mind, his annoying voice yelling out "OH! MY CAR!!" How does this not trouble him, I ask the Mayor. Why would somebody even do that? He looks at me with contempt, I know that he's serious about getting his stripper daughter back, but I still don't understand why he would beat up somebody's car.

2:30 P.M. - We decide to cut through the city park on our way to the Uptown District. I'm starting to notice something odd about all of the people we come in contact with; they all kind of look the same. For example, back in the subway the two of us took on this crazy looking Andre the Giant-type wearing bright pink pants. Yet here we are, miles away from the subway, and I swear to you that I'm looking at the guy's twin brother. Only instead of wearing pink, he's wearing bright green pants. They are the same pants, mind you; they are just a different color. This happened with another guy, too. We fought these two big fat guys that kind of look like the dude in that Borat movie, and now there are two more of them. In total I think we've only seen four or five different guys, yet they are constantly repeating with different colored outfits. Is this my mind playing tricks on me? I haven't been beaten up that badly, have I?

2:55 P.M. - Up ahead of us is a big night club with a huge bouncer at the door. I suggest we skip past it and keep on the road to save my stripper girlfriend. As usual Mr. Stubborn doesn't listen to me and charges right into the club, it makes absolutely no sense to me but I follow. I wish I hadn't. The moment I enter the club, I am jumped by five guys, all wearing exactly the same clothing. As I take them down one at a time I notice that the Mayor has been knocked out and is being dragged downstairs. I know I need to do something quick, but I don't know what. Perhaps I should go and rescue him, but I keep getting attacked off screen by the same looking guy over and over.
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