A Day in the Life: Beat-Em-Up Brawler


posted 3/17/2009 by Cyril Lachel
other articles by Cyril Lachel
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Video game characters live interesting lives. It doesn't matter what character you want to trade places with, chances are the things you do are going to be infinitely more interesting than your normal 9-to-5 day job and nagging girlfriend. I decided to put that theory to the test and see what it would be like to live a day in the shoes of some video game character. Unfortunately it's impossible to actually trade places with the Bionic Commando or that guy from Gears of War, so instead I have to simulate what it would be like.

Below you will find a minute-by-minute account of what it would be like to be a video game character. In this episode I've decided to grab the led pipe and brass knuckles and become a real life beat-em-up brawler. We're talking about the kind of character you would see in Final Fight, Streets of Rage or Tuff E Nuff. Okay, maybe not Tuff E Nuff, it's not like anybody played that game in the first place. And why would they, it's called Tuff E Nuff, it's as if it's spelled by an illiterate chimp. Regardless of what hero I am, this is a day in the life of a beat-em-up brawler!

8:00 A.M. - I wake up at eight in the morning, like I always do. It's a habit, no matter what I've been doing the night before; I always seem to wake up at eight in the morning. I guess it's how my brain works. After getting out of bed I double check the 20XX calendar that my stripper girlfriend bought for me at the brand new Calendar City location, located kitty corner from Mike's Machetes and Scented Candles. Sometimes I wish that she would have been more specific about the year, but I guess her thinking was that this 20XX calendar would hold me for almost a hundred years. I see her logic, but I'm not sure I want to see the same group of dogs in the same group of adorable poses for the next hundred years. I need a shower.

8:15 A.M. - After getting out of the shower I notice that my stripper girlfriend is nowhere to be found. She should be here, I mean she works at night and usually gets in pretty late. I immediately think the worst: She's clearly been taken by a group called the Mad Gear and I need to do something about it. I'm seething with anger; I can barely contain my hostility. I know that there's only one thing I can do, I need to put my clothes on and start beating up random people until somebody tells me where she is. Even though I have secretly started to grow tired of her constant whining and nagging, I know that I would hate to lose her. I must get her back, even though I can't think of her name right now.

8:45 A.M. - After spending the last half hour trying to think up her name, I have decided to give her father a call. I know he's busy; he's an ex-bodybuilder who somehow got himself elected as Mayor of Metro City. How does that work? Who voted for this guy? I can understand becoming an ex-bodybuilder town selectman or something, you can usually win those because nobody is running against you, but Mayor? It's not like he's qualified, when asked what he was going to do about city taxes his only reply was, "BEAT THEM UP!!!" Seriously, that's also how he answered questions about the garbage dump, water works and keeping kids in school. Heck, I'm pretty sure his entire slogan was "VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL BEAT YOU UP!!!" On second thought, I guess maybe that had something to do with him getting elected.

9:00 A.M. - Okay, I just got off the phone with my stripper girlfriend's dad, who is ready to put down everything he's been working on (something about a bank bailout that doesn't sound at all important or interesting) and join me in this fight to save his stripper daughter. I told him that I'll be there in a moment, but first I need to call a few of her friends and make sure she didn't just spend the night elsewhere. I mean, wouldn't it be stupid of us to beat up half of the city only to learn that she spent the night with Candy. My therapist tells me that sometimes I over react and start taking out my anger on people that don't deserve it. I really should change that, but there's no time for that now because I need to call up her friends.

9:30 A.M. - Well, that was fruitless. None of her friends have seen her since yesterday, which is certainly not keeping my mind from racing. I'm on the phone right now with my therapist, who is doing his best to calm me down. It's not working. He says I should take some deep breaths and play this out in my head. That's good advice, but I'm more interested in finding my stripper girlfriend! Who needs this new age crap? My stripper girlfriend is gone and I feel like beating some people up over it. Upon hearing me say that my therapist tells me that if I really am going to infiltrate the Mad Gear headquarters, then maybe I should take the car and just drive down there. I opt against that advice, because with this traffic it's just as fast to walk there, all while beating up everybody that gets in my way. Besides, the Mayor will be here any second, he's been beating up fools all the way from his office to my house. He'll definitely be in the mood for what I'm about to do.

10:30 A.M. - I'm still waiting for the Mayor to show up. All the time I think about the terrible things that this unruly gang is probably doing to my stripper girlfriend. They could be keeping her locked up in a glass cage or making her listen to a marathon of Kenny G's holiday albums. Oh the horror!

11:25 A.M. - The Mayor finally showed up, I tried to explain that taking the subway would be easier, but he wasn't having any of that. He simple stormed through the house and grunted for me to go with him. Again I wonder how this guy could become the Mayor of Metro City; you would think that the voters in this city would be smarter. Regardless, I have no choice but to go with him. He suggests we start in the slums, I don't know why since that's all the way across town and we're going to have to take my car to get there.
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