Straight Scoop, Vol.1, No. 10

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posted 11/18/2002 by Michael Askounes
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Monday, November 11, 2002

Eidos Interactive failed to “grow a set” this week, and gave in to the ridiculous complaints from an organization known as “The Sikh Coalition” about Eidos’ portrayal of Sikhs in their hit game Hitman 2. The coalition claimed that by portraying Sikhs in a violent manner, Eidos showed that they “lacked an understanding of the political persecution Sikhs have lived through.” Eidos is acquiescing to the group by taking the offending material out of the upcoming Gamecube version of Hitman 2.

In a related story that I just made up, a group called “The Hitman Coalition” has complained that Eidos has shown to lack an understanding of “the persecution of contract killers throughout history.” In response, the people at Eidos pulling all characterizations of hitmen from the ‘Cube version of Hitman 2, and will be replacing the game discs with versions of the original Super Mario Bros. game. No word from “The Italian Plumbers Coalition” as of yet…

Ubisoft has announced that the X-Box and PC versions of Dragon’s Lair 3D have gone gold, and should be making their way to retailers nationwide by the end of the week. The game is an update of the classic coin-op quarter-sucker Dragon’s Lair, in which Dirk the Daring made his way through a series of pre-filmed animation scenes in a quest to save a damsel in distress.

I’ve also heard (on the secret frequencies that the government keeps broadcasting into my brain) that Ubisoft will be attempting to capture a piece of the “mature gamers” market with an upcoming title called Dragon’s Lair XXX, which is rumored to be starring Jenna Jameson as the princess, and Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy as Dirk…


Tuesday, November 12, 2002

LucasArts has announced the completion of its upcoming PS2 title Star Wars: Bounty Hunter, which puts gamers in the boots of galaxy-renowned bounty hunter Jango Fett in a quest to battle through 18 levels of poor dialogue, bad acting, and annoying computer-generated characters…


Simon and Schuster Interactive – easily one of the most influential gaming companies in the history of Western civilization – has finally answered the cries of millions of Gamecube-owning Skittles lovers worldwide with a port of its PC adventure title, Darkened Skye. In the game, you play the part of a heroine who must put back together a magic rainbow with – I swear I’m not making this up – magic Skittles that fall from the sky. Surprisingly, this game actually garnered some decent reviews during its PC run…

There is absolutely no truth to a rumor saying that Philip Morris is creating a computer game designed to tie in with its line of Marlboro cigarettes. This game, were it up to me, would be called Darkened Lung, and would feature a animated talking iron lung on a quest to teach children the evils of smoking.


Wednesday, November 13, 2002

Ubisoft today announced the imminent release of its title Tomb Raider: The Prophecy for the Game Boy Advance. The game stars the ubiquitous Lara Croft, as she runs, guns and jumps her way through several levels designed specifically for the handheld platform. At least that’s what I think the game’s about… I didn’t actually read the press release. What I do know is that Nintendo has fervently denied the rumors that a hardware add-on known as a “Super Happy Bosom Pak” would be required to play the game.

Intel today released its next weapon in its never-ending quest for world domination – a Pentium 4 processor with a clock speed of 3Ghz! The chip includes something called Hyper Threading, which is a technology that probably means that your computer can now run Solitaire at 1,000,000 frames per second. Intel officials claimed that, “While we are very proud of our new processors, we still feel we have fallen short of our goal to create a CPU that can run Ultima IX: Ascension at a smooth frame rate.”
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