If the real world were like an FPS game

Article

posted 10/31/2005 by John Yan
other articles by John Yan

I’ve been a long time first person shooter fan. Back in the days, I’d spend hours upon hours on Wolfenstein 3D. Doom dominated my freshmen year in college and playing that first game over the modem against a person across the US was something I’ll never forget. Over the years I’ve played a good number of FPS games and if the games were a true representation of reality, here’s what I think our world would be like.

  • Crates are essential to the society. You’ll find crates in almost every building you enter. Anything important is kept in a wooden crate even though none of them are marked.



A familiar scene in life.
  • Even though most crates are empty, they are always nailed up.
  • People like to lay med kits out on the floor or keep them in crates.
  • If I were going to start a business, I’d start a crate business as many get destroyed and need to be quickly replenished.


Working hard to keep the world's supply of crates going.
  • Even though the aliens or monsters are powerful enough to level entire planets or civilizations, they will always be defeated by “that one guy”.


Beware! That guy in the blue shirt's going to end the reign of terror with you two.
  • Even though you can take multiple gun shots and rocket blasts, you can’t get over a two foot high wall without the help of a chair or crate. If said enemies mentioned above were to build their base consisting of two foot high walls and no doors, they would be victorious.
  • When captured, you’ll always find a way out or someone will break you out right before you die.
  • Your journey will always be impeded by an area that can only be reached by jumping on platforms spaced apart just far enough for you to leap onto from one to the next.


  • All unlocked doors are made to be opened automatically as they are all equipped with motion sensors and motors.
  • Elevators only go between two floors.

I should just take the stairs.
  • You can run full speed and pick up weapons without having to bend down to grab them. Even if said weapon is a massive rocket launcher that would encumber even the strongest men out there, you won’t miss a beat when picking it up.
  • Firing a high powered rocket that can turn enemies into mush at your feet to get over obstacles or reach a high platform is a rational idea.

You want me to aim this where?!
  • You’ll have the knowledge on how to use any alien weapon that you pick up no matter how complicated it looks.
  • If you take out an enemy with a gun and his friends are more than 30 feet away, they’ll never come investigate the loud sound or screaming noise as he dies.
  • Enemies have nothing better to do than wait in a closet or crawl space for someone to come by.

Coming out of the closet.
  • Once a swarm of enemies kills you, they all like to stop dead in their tracks and just stare out into space.
  • You’ll always arrive a second or two too late to save someone from being dragged away or be eaten by a monster but you’ll always witness the results of the carnage.
  • Lights like to turn off one by one in corridors before monsters come leaping out at you. They are probably standing at a batch of ten switches and turning them off before they come at you.

Your view just before the lights go out and the guys jump out of the doorways.
  • Duct tape doesn’t exist on Mars.


How about needing to attach a flashlight to your gun?