DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball

Review

posted 1/28/2003 by Charlie Sinhaseni
other articles by Charlie Sinhaseni
One Page Platforms: Xbox
When Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball was announced at the Microsoft Xbox Press Conference at this year’s E3 it arrived amidst applause and hollers. You see, all of the pimply-faced fanboys of the big black box were finally getting themselves some thinly disguised softcore porn that they would be able to call a video game. I’ll admit it though, I was pretty anxious to see this one myself, not because I’m some sick horny bastard who likes to see well-endowed women prance around in skimpy outfits, but because…


I can imagine the pitch for this game right now: “In the highstakes world of big-breasted beach volleyball tournaments…”


What was I talking about again?

Oh yes, DOAXVB, perhaps the most blatant false advertising on the new year, a game where the namesake actually takes a back seat to (of all things) collecting various items that are meant to be admired and not to be used. That’s right, regardless of what you’ve heard or read this game isn’t about playing volleyball, it’s about getting money and buying various trinkets for your character. In fact, the volleyball aspect of the game is nothing more than a roadblock that stands between you and the game’s true motivation, collecting useless trinkets! Do you like to collect recipes? Are you great at accessorizing? Are you tired of trying to become the best fighter in the global universe and would rather spend your time trying on skimpy bikinis? Then this is your bag. The only thing missing here is the obligatory Engrish phrase “Collection Get!”

But don’t worry, there’s no shortage of Engrish here. Phrases like “It’s a nice looking candles” populate this seemingly incomplete title. Most of the speech, with the exception of Dennis Rodman’s horrific performance, is in Japanese and is accompanied by English subtitles. The only English you get from the girls are the other girls’ names and horribly pronounced lines like “nice-a spiku!” and “nice-a servu!” Of course this game wouldn’t be complete without the prerequisite moaning and squealing. God I feel dirty.

There’s a storyline to the game but like the rest of the aspects, it’s pretty weak and half-assed. Zack, the black Thai kick boxer from DOA3 that no one actually cared to used, won the Dead or Alive prize money. In a nice touch the opening video actually continues from the end of Zack’s ending video from Dead or Alive 3. He then proceeded to gamble with his winnings in order to garner more cash so that he could open his own island resort. Upon doing so, he suckers all of the female combatants of the Dead or Alive tournament to come to the island under the façade that it is the location of the next tournament. When they arrive the joke’s on them, there’s no tournament! Surprise! There’s not much volleyball either! To be honest, there really isn’t much to do on the island; it’s no wonder that the game only lets you stay on the island for 14 days at a time.

Those 14 days are broken up into three segments, daytime, afternoon and nighttime. Doing an activity such as lounging around the pool or engaging in a game of “volleyball” takes up a portion of the day. If you enter an unpopulated region of the island you’ll be treated to a short Gravure movie where you can candidly check out your girl while she does things like roll around in the sand and hump a tree branch. All of which is done in an innocent, non Mature rating deserving manner of course.
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