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Overall, 3 million Xbox One consoles have been sold worldwide

Posted by: Nathaniel at 1/6/2014 12:24 PM

In parts of the United States right now, it's the coldest it's been in 20 years.  It's so cold that boiling water insta-freezes (according to that one viral video that Mythbusters will probably debunk in 2027).  The last time it was this cold, videogames freaking SUCKED man.  The graphics stunk, the sounds was ear-splitting bleeps and bloops that sounded like a brain-damaged raccoon stumbling across a Casio keyboard, and your average game consisted of jumping over things while running left to right.  Yuck.  Back then, when it was most of the country that could die of exposure simply walking to the mailbox (as opposed to just parts of the upper-Midwest), your indoor entertainment options were far more limited.  

Now we have Xbox One.  Instead of the gaming equivalent to a fire-damaged kinetoscope, we have Skynet Mk. I watching your every move and listening to every word you say.  It will let you play Assassin's Creed IV AND chat with Steven Gerard while Lebron James cooks cheeseburgers on your old radiator - all the while flagging every single thing you say as "terrorism" and forwarding it to the NSA so they have something to listen to during next year's Christmas party.

My point is that life is waaaaaay better now, dude.  Way better.  Just don't go outside.  You'll die.  

Oh, and Microsoft is reporting that more than 3 million Xbox Ones have been sold worldwide.  Let me be the first one to welcome the coming robot overlords led by General MicroSkyBoxNet One: 0100100001000101010011000100110001001111

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