BMX XXX (Xbox)

Review

posted 2/4/2003 by Charlie Sinhaseni
other articles by Charlie Sinhaseni
One Page Platforms: Xbox
As a man my ears immediately perk up whenever the word “breasts” is mentioned in the midst of a conversation. So you’ll probably understand my excitement when Acclaim informed us that they would be ditching Mirra entirely and in his place, would be adding some big-breasted riders with attitude. Add in a touch of Z-Axis and their breast-physics know-how (just check out Aggressive Inline for further proof) and color me eager.

Then during the development cycle something went wrong. The game lost its sense of direction and instead of being about big-breasted women who have a strange fetish for bicycles; it was about foul-mouthed pimps who loan out their poodles for sex and peanut vendors who feel the urge to tell passersby about their hot salty nutsacks. Thus begat BMX XXX, a game that’s not fun to play nor is it fun to watch.



It's like E.T. with breasts!


Technically there isn’t anything wrong with this game; it plays just like the old games in the Mirra series. It’s the goals that really prove to be frustrating. They simply demand too much of you without giving you neither the means nor the tools to accomplish them in a timely manner. The level designs aren’t very indicative of what the great minds at Z-Axis are capable of either. These levels are very basic and seem to be lacking in design and inspiration. This is an especially stark contrast to the levels that appeared in Aggressive Inline, which were full of fun and imagination.

In terms of goal management, the game pans out much like Activision O2’s Tony Hawk 4. You’ll be able to roam freely though the environments at your own accord while goals are activated by talking to various characters. After approaching a character the game switches to a cut scene which I assume is supposed to layout the impending goal to you. What you really get is a cut scene with a whole lot of swearing and not much else. In fact they do an absolutely abysmal job of setting up your goal for you. When it mercifully ends, you’ll be given a goal and a time limit, that’s it. No direction, no indication of how to accomplish it, nothing. Umm... go find the pimp and bring his poodle back here? And where the hell is this damn poodle that you speak of? Oh that’s right, I’m supposed to be physic right?

As you may have guessed the game plays more of less like Mirra 2, right down to the complicated move sets. I could never get in to the Mirra series of games because I felt like they took a very simplistic concept and over-complicated matters. Games like Mat Hoffman are readily accessible to nearly all audiences because of their simplistic, yet addictive game play. Mirra puts itself out of the reach of newcomers because of the awkward timing and unnecessarily complex control scheme. Much like Mirra 2 the tricks are pretty bland, featuring a trick set that is low on variety and big on modifiers. Do we really need 50 variants of the table top?

Then again, the game play isn’t going to sell horny teenagers on the concept of XXX, the nudity is and boy will they be getting shafted. For starters, the topless riders aren’t available at the onset of the game. You’ll have to win first place in the game’s two competition levels to unlock the feature. Then there’s the whole thing about the implementation of Scores Strippers which is very akin to a bad movie tie-in. Think of it as creative advertising, I think of it as your general run-of-the-mill bait and switch tactic, included in hopes of spurning sales amongst horny teens. What happens is you’ll get some short footage of the Scores Girls doing their job. If you’re looking for some hot wanking material then you’ve come to the wrong place. These videos each last about 20 seconds and generally feature a girl doing some teasing and staring in to the camera. It’s basically like watching Skinemax late at night, except that there’s considerably less nudity here.
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